2024

As I am sure you saw, Tom Brady received the greatest of all time roast this past year.  We thought, how dare they say Tom is the GOAT.  Santa - you are the GOAT of GOATs, and we feel that you deserve a night to your own.  Welcome to the Santa roast.  We asked several others to join, but they all backed out due to the fear of being added to the naughty list, but Katy and I are forever on the naughty list based on our previous Christmas cards.
    

Get comfy Santa, we are going Viagra.  It’s gonna be a long night, we are coming hard and we are keeping it up.  

 
Santa - some people think your rosy cheeks are from the cold wind when out delivering packages, but the truth is they are from you playing with your package.  

 

On Christmas eve, you are busier than the handicap stall in the bathroom at a can redemption center.   That is a lot of pressure on you for that one night.  You haven’t felt that kind of pressure since your wedding night, and just like your wedding night you finished quickly on Christmas eve.  

 

Santa - thank you for hooking up Katy and Kyla with Taylor Swift concert tickets early for Christmas.  Turns out you are delivering on my Christmas wishes as well!! The girls were gone for my birthday weekend, and the Taylor Swift tour is finally ending!  Merry early Christmas to us all.

 

Covid really got out of hand in 2020 when you were sick and still delivered the gifts on Christmas Eve. I always knew you were a super spreader, but I thought it was of Mrs. Claus’ legs.   

 

Rumor on the street is that when Santa leaves on Christmas Eve, Mrs. Claus gets lonely.  The elves keep her company though, they build trains and I am not talking about toys. 

 

Writing jokes for this was harder than Santa taking photos with kids at the mall. “Santa is that a giant candy cane in your pocket?”  Congrats on your new Purell sponsorship, you are so nasty that they named a new hand santa-tiser gel after you.

 

You thought he had a shot at Giselle when Tom and her ended their marriage.  Instead, she ran off with that jujitsu guy instead and left you standing there holding your blackbelt wondering what went wrong.  Santa, just because you have a blackbelt, doesn’t mean you are good at karate. 

 

When you laugh, it looks like a bowl full of jelly… but there’s no one jelly of that.  When you jump off the diving board, you empty the North Pool. 

 

You are the world’s greatest seasonal employee.  I have seen construction worker supervisors work harder than you.  

 

Santa – technology has come a long way since 1600’s.  It is time for an upgrade in your transportation.  PETA agrees.